What are Vatas, Pitta and Kaphas like in relationships? How can they relate to one another? What do the combinations look like? I nerd out on one of my FAV topics ever in this Valentine’s Day episode.
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Episode 167 – Doshas in Relationships with Sahara Rose
By Sahara Rose
Namaste. It’s Sahara Rose and welcome back to the “Highest Self” podcast. A place where we discuss what makes you your soul’s highest evolvement. And before we get started, check out these brands that make “Highest Self” podcast possible.
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It is Valentine’s Day, so of course I am going to talk about love, and the doshas, because I mean, what could be a better combo than that? So we’ve all read love books, relationship books, self-help columns, but I don’t think you’ve ever heard anyone talk about it from the doshic perspective. And hello, that is why I’ve incarnated here on this planet, so I’m here to drop some wisdom bombs to ya, so take your notes, or just sit back, let it all sink in. And you’re gonna notice, you’re gonna start categorizing all of your exes, everyone you ever dated, into the doshas when you hear this.
So, if you’re not familiar with Ayurveda, Ayurveda is the world’s oldest health system, it is the sister science of yoga, based off of the mind-body connection. The real bread and butter to Ayurveda are the doshas. The word dosha means energy, and there are three energy types, or archetypes: vata, pitta, and kapha. Vata is air, pitta is fire, kapha is earth. So just think air, fire, earth, vata, pitta, kapha. So air, vata, fire, pitta, kapha, earth. We got it, okay.
So we’re all born naturally, a combination of all three doshas, but in varying amounts. So some of us are really, really vata, we’re very, very airy. Others of us we’re very fiery, and others of us we’re more earthy. Now I’ve done tons of podcast episodes about how this correlates with our health, our self-care practices, our New Year’s resolutions. I’ve written two books on how to implement this in your life, I have a quiz on my website, iamsahararose.com to discover your dosha, my entire Instagram is pretty much dedicated to these doshas, so got lots of resources if you want to learn. Okay, how do I discover my dosha? Go on my quiz, there’s lots of information there, but I want to just dive into how they relate to relationships.
Now, vata, air energy. So people with a lot of air energy in relationships, they love the beginning of things, they love the butterflies. I mean, think of a butterfly, it’s up in the air. They love to get excited, “Oh my God, you want to move to Africa? I want to move to Africa, too. Like you want to do this, I want to do that too.” And you know when you meet someone, even if it’s like a friend, for the first time you’re getting along so well. It’s like… (imitating excited chatter) And you both get so giddy, and the energy’s rising, rising, rising, rising, rising.
Well that is vata, people with a lot of vata, they live for this, they live for the beginnings, and that’s not just in relationships, that’s in careers, that’s in projects, that’s in everything, they love the excitement of it all. However, what can happen is when things start to get a little too serious, when things start to get mundane, boring, routine, they may be out. So vatas, they really love a good adventure, they don’t want a date to just be dinner and a movie, they want to go kite surfing, and bungee jumping, and go to the museum, and read their akashic records, and do all the things.
So for them, the key to a relationship is to keep it really exciting cause they need that level of novelty, otherwise they get real bored, real fast. And if you think about the wind, you can’t predict which direction the wind is going to go, so when you’re dating someone who’s very vata imbalanced, that means too much vata, their vata is just like way out there, they may be all about you one day, and then the next week, “Oh, sorry, yeah I don’t know if this is going to work.”
Or, the key vata move: you ghost. I mean think about a ghost, it’s literally just disappeared into thin air, that’s just vata AF right there. So you ghost, you disappear, and this happens a lot of times when you’re not able to fully show up for someone’s emotions, and it’s just easier to disappear and to stop responding than it is to have that serious real conversation of why it’s not going to work out. And I see this happen a lot, especially with online dating, because you may not have even met that person in person, so there’s nothing like grounded about the relationship yet, it’s literally in the air that it’s just communication through technology, which is very, very vata in itself. So it’s very easy to ghost, to disappear.
So people with balanced vatas, they love a creative relationship, they love to date someone who’s gonna keep them on their toes, who’s going to be down for their crazy ways, but they don’t necessarily need to—nor they should—date another vata. So I believe that relationships are best when you have a combination of all three doshas present. So if two super, super vata people are dating, it may be really exciting at the beginning, and then one person’s like, “Oh well, I’m all about kundalini yoga,” and one person’s like, “Well, I’m all about Ayurveda,” and they’re like, “Okay, well bye.” There isn’t that level of commitment, grounding, fire, earth that the other two doshas bring to the table.
So I see this happen a lot, two very vata partners, they’re eccentric, and they come up with all these dreams, and visions, and then the next thing you know, they broke up, and one of them changed their name, and the other one moved to Japan. So that happens a lot, especially here in L.A., and maybe where you live too. So it’s really important if you’re very vata, you know you’re that person who’s just like really just like creative, and in their head, and has lots of visions. I would—if you can—try to go for someone—and you could set this in your intention, like I literally drew a picture of what my ideal partner would be, my God man. I wrote everything about him, and I created him with my mind, literally.
But I would go for someone who has more of the pitta, more of the fire, and/or more of the kapha, more of the earth. Because if you’re very, very vata, you need someone who has that fire, that drive. Like, “Okay, well where is the relationship going? Do you want to meet my parents? This, that,” like that fire is going to, you know, take those next steps and keep the relationship moving along. And then earth, that earth is going to be, “Let’s stay home. Let’s just cuddle. Let’s just take it easy.” Because sometimes very vata people will never want to stay at home, they’re always going to want to travel, and do new things. And some of the most beautiful parts of a relationship are that staying at home and just creating that nest with each other. So that’s where the kapha can really help, and the pitta can really help and just that fire, and also that drive, that stability in creating the foundation for the relationship.
I’ve noticed a lot of men tend to be more pitta, most of it is because well, biologically, men have more muscle, they have more testosterone, they naturally have more shiva masculine energy to them, and that makes them be the ones who naturally want to protect and provide, and you know, move the relationship along, and create that container if you look at tantra. In tantra, which is essentially one of the ancient lineages of yoga, it’s the belief that there’s shiva and Shakti energy within each of us, and that shiva is the masculine consciousness, it is the stillness, it is the observing, it is the noticing. And the Shakti is the moving, and flowing, and dancing, and creating, and you know, that excitement is that Shakti. So the shiva creates the container for the Shakti to dance and flourish.
So it tends to be in relationships that the man or more masculine partner takes that role. However, we’re now in 2019, and roles are shifting, so it may not necessarily be that case in your relationship. You may actually find that you’re the more pitta one, and you’re female identified, and that’s okay, too. But I do think it’s important for the relationship in whole to have that balance.
So now let’s talk about pitta. Pitta is fire, it is determined, it is organized, it knows what it wants to get, it’s that #BossBabe, that kind of energy. So the pitta likes to always have kind of a direction. You know, a pitta person doesn’t want to go on a walk, and look at the clouds, and da, da, da. Pitta’s like, “Okay, we’re walking, where are we walking to?” And they walk fast, you know. Like if you’ve ever gone on a walk with someone you notice they’re like, “Okay, we’re gonna walk to like that street and back.” They need to have that direction, they’re like little like Christopher Columbus, they need to know which way the ship’s gonna sail. Because mentally, they need to have a plan, they need that structure.
Again, it’s sort of that shiva masculine consciousness, though females can have it, my predominant dosha is actually pitta, then vata, lastly, kapha. So you can be a female with predominant pitta. It juts means you’re not in the relationship to just see what happens. You know before a relationship what you’re looking for. And I think a lot of us women we tend to shy away from this because we feel like, “Well, I’m just gonna go with the flow and see what happens, and that’s fine.” But sometimes when you know that you want a relationship, you’re just not admitting it to yourself. And then since you’re not admitting it to yourself, you’re saying, “I’m just gonna see what happens,” and then guess what, the universe just sends you whatever happens, and that might not be what you want.
So I think a lot of women can benefit from being more pitta in their relationships, and being more assertive, and saying, “These are my standards, and I’m not gonna go below them. I want someone who can spiritually connect with me, who can hold their own in a relationship, who’s interested in the type of things I’m interested in.” It doesn’t mean it’s a perfect person, that person’s gonna have flaws, just like you do, but you don’t need to compromise on what you’re looking for in a relationship. And I think most of us are taught that we have to compromise, and then we don’t end up getting what we want.
And there’s a really good story that I heard about this, and it was saying that imagine you were hungry for sushi, and it’s noon, and the sushi restaurant’s gonna open at 6:00 PM. So you’re saying, “Well, I’m so hungry right now, so I’m just gonna see what’s open, just get a little snack to hold me over until the sushi is available.” So you go, you walk into a store, it’s a Mexican restaurant, and you’re like, “Hey sir, do you have sushi here?” They’re like, “Mm, no, we have burritos.” And you’re like, “Okay. Could you wrap that burrito up with some seaweed actually?” They’re like, “Um, we’ve never done that before, but sure, I guess we could do that. I don’t know if it’s gonna work, but sure.”
So they wrap up the burrito with sushi, it’s ripping, but it’s kind of looking like sushi. You’re like, “By the way, could you swap out the chicken for some spicy tuna instead?” They’re like, “Um, we don’t have spicy tuna here, we’re a Mexican restaurant, but I don’t know, maybe if you could get some spicy tuna we could do that swap.”
So you’re slowly trying to turn that burrito into sushi, it’s not working, you eat it, you’re not really satisfied, it’s not what you wanted. And guess what, it’s 6:00 PM, and that sushi restaurant opens, and you’re too freaking full. Now, this is what happens with a lot of women in relationships when they don’t have enough pitta. They settle with what comes their way, they try to turn that burrito into sushi, and then they’re so full, they’re so disgusted, and they’re so emotionally invested into this burrito that when that sushi comes right by them, there’s no space.
And the thing is, men and women can pick up on emotional availability. Someone can sense if you are single and looking or not. It’s a different energy. If you’re in a relationship you see you carry yourself differently when you’re in a relationship versus when you’re single. When you’re single, there’s this little open lock in your heart that you’re like, “Anywhere I go, I can meet my one,” and you know, you’re going out, you’re saying yes to more things, you’re meeting new people because you’re trying to expand your social circle. You know that that person’s out there and you need to put yourself out there to go find them.
When you’re in a relationship, you’re like, “I’m gonna meet you there in sweatpants,” like you don’t care because you’ve blocked off that part of you. You’re not looking for that one, you’re sometimes often in the beginning of relationships—especially the first few years—you can actually close yourself off from friends, everyone, because you’re so stuck in your, you know, in your comfort zone. And I think that’s a natural part of relationships, but you know, we’ve all had friends that disappeared the moment they get into relationships. We’re like, “Okay, bye, see you at your funeral,” so that can happen too.
So the point is to for us women to really set our standards. Men have standards, men are like, “This is what I’m looking for, I’m not gonna settle,” and most of men’s standards are way higher than where they are at. They’re like, “I’m looking for a ten, and she’s gonna make her own money, and she’s gonna do this,” and it’s like, “Uh, what do you do, sir?” It’s like, “Oh, I work… I live at home, and I work at, you know, whatever.” So why is it so easy for men to set these standards and not for women? It comes down to this pitta, this energy of durga, the warrior goddess, like claiming what you want. So I think most women we want more pitta in our relationships, especially if we’re trying to look for the one, and it’s not happening for us.
Now what happens when two very pitta people date? Well, what happens is both of them are alpha. You know, the woman is like, “This is what I—how I like things and this is how things are gonna get done.” And the guy’s like, “Well, this is how I’m gonna get things done,” and there can be a bit of butting heads. Two very pitta people in relationships often want to work together because their work is such a huge part of what they do that they want to, you know, share that part of themselves with that other person.
So you might dive into work together, doing everything together, and at first you’re like, “Yes, I found the one, and I’m so passionate about.” Pittas have so much passion. The passion about this person, I’m romantically interested in this person, and they’re filling me up with work, and career, and we’re thinking of ideas, and we’re brainstorming, so it’s totally meeting me at my shiva and Shakti, and boom, it’s fire, it’s magic. They’re those couples you’re like relationship goals.
If you look at my friend Melissa Ambrosini and Nick Broadhurst, or Alexi and Preston, like these couples that they work together, and they create so much, and you’re like, “Oh my God, yes, I want that.” But the other side of it is—and they both talk about this—it can be really tricky when you’re lovers and business partners. It can be really hard because you can butt heads, you can both really want things your way, and you both can have a really strong reason for it.
Not to say that a relationship can’t work, but you both have to be willing to move around that. And I’ve noticed that a lot of pitta people, they’re very routine and organized in their minds, so they’re the type of people who can actually take a white board and map out what they’re looking for in the relationship, which is awesome, and I think something that we could all strive to be a little bit more like. But Alexi, who’s been on this podcast was saying that her and her husband Preston literally took a whiteboard, and they’re like, “Okay, these are my triggers,” like wrote them down. They’re like, “Okay, these are the things that you say that trigger me.” “Oh, I didn’t know, that. Okay. Let’s get through that.” Like they literally plan—like mapped it out like that so clear that they had the road map of how they can communicate moving forward in such a tangible way.
So I think a lot of us, we are afraid of asking for that, of asking to have a meeting about a relationship because we don’t want to scare away the guy, or even the guy does get scared, and he doesn’t wanna do that either. But it is important, especially if we’re both strong pittas, to have a framework that the relationship can work around, otherwise it can really be stepping on each other’s toes.
So in a pitta partnership, it’s important for one person, and it can sometimes be the females identified, sometimes the male identified to take that more Shakti role. So maybe one night that person’s gonna pick the movie, and what you’re doing, and the next night it’s someone else. But it can’t constantly be an argument, and it can’t be that you’re trying to prove yourself right to the other person. Because there is no right, and oftentimes in a relationship what you learn is that you have to just compromise. Like that’s a massive part of things, you’re not gonna have everything 100% your way.
And I think a lot of very pitta people are used to everything begin their way that they can struggle in partnerships because they don’t know how to settle, and they end up, you know, those amazing friends you have you’re like, “How are you still single? I mean, you’re smart, you’re accomplished, you’re fit, you have everything going for you, how are you still single?” Well, a lot of times it’s this pitta imbalance within them that’s not willing to compromise at all because they didn’t have to in their own lives, but in relationships you’re taking on, you know, entire beliefs, dislikes, likes of another person that you have no control over.
So it’s not always gonna be what you want, you know. And that can be such a hard thing for pittas to deal with, and oftentimes they don’t want to deal with it so they’d rather remain single, which is a choice, not everyone needs to be in partnership. But if you do want to be in partnership, you’re noticing that you identify with being very pitta, and that actually has been an ongoing problem, then I would one: try to find more flow, trying to find more of the vata, more of the airiness, more of the just imagination and letting go of things being so tangible and results-oriented within yourself, and more of the kapha, just the chillness, like taking it easy, it’s okay, it’s fine, like it’s totally cool. And in partners, maybe look for someone who’s a little bit more vata or a little bit more kapha so it’s not two people butting heads.
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So now let’s get into kapha in relationships. So kaphas are very chill, they are loving, they are cuddle bunnies. They want to stay home, and watch movies, and eat snacks, and kiss, and love each other, which is adorable. And I think all of us, we all have a kapha side, just like we all have a pitta side, we all have a vata side, but kaphas like really love that. And the beautiful thing about kaphas is they just totally accept you as you are. Like you don’t need to go work out, you don’t need to go achieve stuff, like we’re good, like just stay and cuddle with me at home, like that’s all I want. I think like we all want that in our partner, but kaphas like really drive that home.
So very beautiful cuddle bunnies, but the other side is sometimes kaphas can get really, really habitual, they want to stay in their comfort zones, they don’t want to go out to dinner, they don’t want to go meet your friends, they don’t want to go to networking event, they want to stay home where they’re comfortable. And at the beginning of relationships, I think a lot of us naturally we get into this like kapha, like create your own little nook space. But eventually you have to kind of go back out into the world.
I mean, you don’t have to, but if you want to live in society, you probably should. And then that more kapha person is resistant to that, they don’t want to leave home, they don’t want to do fun things, and it can get monotonous, and it can get boring. Especially if you have more vata in your mind, and you really want to do things, or if you have a lot of pitta and you’re like, “Come on, I still want to like live my life and get stuff done.” That kapha person can almost feel like they’re holding you back.
So if you’re dating someone who’s really kapha, you may feel like you’re outgrowing them, they’re staying stuck where they are. You’re feeling like they feel like this beautiful like shavasana, but it’s not feeling exciting and passionate for you anymore. And if you’re someone who’s very kapha, you may feel like your other partner’s like always out there, and doing things, and doesn’t have enough time for you, and you’re not getting that time to connect. And you just want to like really have that quality time with one another, and not fill your calendar up with other things. So you don’t understand why they’re always on the go, and it’s annoying for you, so we can see in different perspectives you’re feeling in different ways.
So my advice I you are very kapha, now kapha imbalance, excess kapha in a relationship, it’s so important for you to stimulate yourself. And your partner is not gonna be the one who is gonna coerce you to the gym, you may think your partner is gonna be the one who’s gonna get you somewhere, get you going there, but has to start from within yourself. Because you can’t say, “Oh, well my partner wasn’t here, so I ate unhealthy this weekend. Oh, my partner wasn’t here so I didn’t exercise, I didn’t take care of myself, I didn’t do my practice.” You can’t depend on other people for your routine, that has to be internal. And the thing is, if you don’t have it start from internal, it’s only a façade.
So it’s very important for you to light up your own fire. Find things that you’re passionate about on your own. And it doesn’t have to be something that your partner wants to do either, just your own things. Like do you love to salsa dance? Do you love to build things? Do you love to garden? Macramé? I don’t know, whatever it is that you like to do. Find that thing that jazzes you up, and start doing it. Because when you have that energy of something that lights you up, that energy starts to seep in all areas of your life, and you start to notice that you’re just feeling more excited about things. And like yes, you do want to get dressed up and go out to diner, yes, you would love to go to the farmer’s market at 7:00 in the morning on a Saturday. Yes, you would love to—you know.
Suddenly, things that you didn’t have energy for, you do now. And exercise, that is another huge thing if you’re kapha. And this is not just for relationships, this is just for life. But exercising, kaphas when they exercise, finally that loving energy is going somewhere. They can really like harness it and be the love bugs that they are out in the world instead of feeling like lazy slobs at home. So it’s that one difference.
So movement, finding something that you love doing, and at the beginning it may feel scary for you, maybe you just work out at home. I recommend doing like YouTube videos, or whatever, ClassPass, whatever it is that you do, just maybe at home I think a lot of kaphas, they don’t want to be at gyms, and be around other really fit people, and that’s really intimidating for them. So even if it just starts at home. But others of us, I know for me, I love group fitness, and being around other people’s energy because that gives me more energy. If I’m working out myself at home, especially there’s no way I would ever be able to do that. But even at the gym on my own I don’t push myself as hard as I would if I was in a group fitness class.
So signing up for group fitness classes are really good for especially for kaphas because it allows you to, you know, tap into other people’s energy too to help motivate you. And when you’re around other people, even if you’re not talking, it still revs you up. So movement is super, super important if you’re feeling kapha in a relationship. And just to like let that person be, you know, like that person could be a vata butterfly, or they could be a pitta dragon and let them be. You know, you don’t have to—I think a lot of what that kapha comes from is you love that person so much that you want them right here next to you right now. And you’re gonna hold them back from their truth if you do that. It’s so important for you to let them be the person that they were, that you fell in love with.
You know, you didn’t fall in love with them because they were sitting at home with you watching movies. You fell in love with them because the way that they smiled, or that glimmer in their eyes, or when you saw them dancing, or whatever it was, like that’s what made you fall in love with them. So give them the freedom to continue to be that person and to transition into whoever it is that they desire to be next. Because humans are ever-changing beings, and I think a lot of especially what kaphas feel like is “Well you were this way when I started dating you, so why aren’t you like that anymore? You’ve changed,” as if change is a crime. If you haven’t changed, then something is wrong.
So it’s so important for us to let our partners be who they are today and give them the space to be who they’re meant to be tomorrow. Because they’re not gonna be that person that they were on that first date. And you should never hold them on that. Because then you’re preventing their growth, and preventing someone else’s growth is the worst karma that you could commit on this planet.
So it’s so important to just give them that space, give them the wings. In fact, encourage them. I think sometimes what kaphas do, unknowingly, is the kapha guilt. “Ah, you’re leaving me. Ah, you’re going again. Ah, you’re always gone.” And you may be doing that out of love, you may be doing it cause you think it’s cute, maybe your partner even thinks it’s cute, but actually, energetically it’s probably making that person feel a little bit trapped. And it’s making that person feel like they have to explain themselves to be who they want to be. You can’t hold someone back, even if it’s just like to cuddle more, you have to say, “Yes, babe, I’m so proud of you that you’re traveling. I’m so proud of you that you’re going out there and slaying. I’m so proud of you that you’re doing all these things and meeting all these people.” Like even if you’re not a part of it, you still need to have that compassion, that genuine happiness for them, and to root them on.
Because if your partner is not rooting you on in a relationship, then who else do you really have? Your partner should be the one who, more than anyone, is like, “Yes, go out there, I got you, like don’t worry, like you’re gonna kill this.” And I think a lot of times kaphas are like, “No, no, no, you stay right here and be my little pet, be my little lover,” that we add guilt to other people when we do this, even if we don’t mean to. And that’s the last thing you probably want to do, but guilting someone to stay where you’re at is really holding them back from where it is that they need to be going.
And I think a lot of times this also comes from fear, it comes from the fear of, “Well, if they fully live their life how they want to live, then there’s not gonna be space for me in it.” So you try to hold on, you hold on maybe through passive aggressive tendencies, or through guilt tactics, or whatever it is, which you know, being sad, but that’s still actually guilt. But when you’re doing this, again, that’s not the kind of energy that you want. You don’t want someone who’s with you because they feel bad to leave you. Like do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who’s only with you because they’re afraid of what you’ll do to yourself if they leave? No.
So that’s why it’s so important to not use guilt, to not use sadness, and this, and that, to get the results that you want, to let that person be, even if it’s scary, even if you know that maybe they’re gonna outgrew you, maybe they’re gonna move to someone else. Maybe that could happen, but it’s better to know the truth than to live in an illusion.
Now on the flip side, if you are dating someone who’s really kapha, who’s using these guilt tactics on you, who’s holding you back, even if it’s out of love, you need to have that conversation with them. You need to tell them, like, “Listen, babe, I know that you’re doing this out of love, but it actually really makes me feel bad and I don’t like that feeling of whenever I’m trying to live my life you’re making me feel sad about it. And I wish that you had things in your life that you felt just as excited about too, so let me know what I can do to help you find things in your life that you’re jazzed up about, but I can’t hold myself back from my own path to keep you feeling safe.”
And I think a lot of times in partnerships we do unknowingly, unspokenly, hold ourselves back because we feel like, “Oh well if I’m fully myself, that’s going to be too much for my partner to deal with, and they’re not gonna feel safe and comfortable, so I’m gonna minimize myself. But you minimizing yourself is not doing anyone a favor. So it is so important if you’re with a kapha to lovingly tell them that it’s time for you to have your space to yourself to do the things that you wanna do, and doesn’t mean you’re gonna love them less. In fact, you’re gonna love them more when you’ve filled yourself up, and you’ve lived your life, and filled your day with things that you love and you can come home and share that with your partner. Like what better than that? Two partners, aligned, living their dharmas is such a beautiful thing.
And sometimes the relationship may not work, and this is not just with kapha, this can be with pitta, this can be with vata, but sometimes relationships don’t work. I know my ex was very kapha, and that didn’t work for me, I can’t date a really kapha person cause I have so much vata and pitta going on that for me, at first I felt like that kapha was like balancing, and aw, it’s so nice, he wants to stay home and just like cuddle, and he felt like that shavasana. But after a while it felt like boring, stuck, stagnant, withholding me from my own personal growth.
So I had to have that realization within myself that it was just way too kapha of a relationship, and I was looking for someone who was more pitta, someone who had a strong drive, and ambition, and had their own life, and their own things that they were chasing after, and that I could chase after my own too. That’s what I really wanted, so I actually had the intention that I’m looking for someone who’s predominantly pitta to be in partnership with.
So you can set that intention of what dosha you’re looking or, and to look, like does their life line up like that? Like if you’re looking for someone who’s more vata, are they creative, are they spiritual, are they conscious, are they trying new things, artistic, do they have that? You can see that in their life. And if you’re seeing that in their life, chances are they’re gonna be like that in their relationship. If you’re looking for someone who’s more pitta, are they ambitious, are they hard-working, do they have a routine, are they acting what they’re saying, is it not just all talk. Are they entrepreneurial, are they just an ambitious, do they exercise, these are all—you know, these are all little suggestions that that person’s gonna be pitta in their relationship as well.
And maybe you’re looking for a kapha, maybe you want someone who’s just like calm, and loving, and gentle, and you know, maybe at work you’re just like hustling all day and you want to come home to someone that just feels like really relaxing and easy with them. And then look for someone who’s like this in all areas of their life, they’re super patient, they take their time on things, they’re just loving, smiling beings and you love being around that. So look at how they are in their life cause it’s gonna translate to relationships.
So I believe in a perfect relationship you’ll have elements of all three. So you’ll have that vata side of maybe it’s both of you, maybe it’s one of you more that is thinking of the creative ideas. So for my relationship, that’s definitely me, that I’m like, “Let’s sign up for salsa. Let’s do vision boarding. Let’s do this, let’s do that.” I mean like 90% of them he says no to, but I still keep trying, you know. It’s like the vata in me is like, “Okay, well, maybe we’ll try this over here, and maybe over there.”
So you need someone who’s a little bit more vata, that bubbly, that kind of person, to just keep that tempo up, keep the creativity going. Now you need someone who’s more pitta, who’s going to, you know, “Okay, well, where’s this relationship going, what’s next, like are we going somewhere.” So in my partnership, that was my fiancé definitely had a lot more pitta than I did—especially at the beginning, I had no pitta at all. But he was five years older, and he was a little bit more, you know, mature, and responsible, and that sort of thing. But now I have a lot of the pitta too, and sometimes we do bite heads because we are both entrepreneurs and want things our way, but I would say he has more pitta than I do, for sure.
And then in the kapha, that’s actually him. He’s the more kapha one than I am. He’s the one who’s reminding me to, you know, cuddle for a little longer even though I get annoyed because I’m like trying to like go exercise, and start my day, and he stays in bed longer, and you know, just wants to, you know, have that beautiful time, which I love and appreciate. But sometimes I’m like, “Okay, babe, I need to go.” But then other times it’s me who’s more kapha, he travels a lot, and I’m like, “Aw, like I miss you. Why are you gone?” And I’m not doing it to make him feel bad, but sometimes it can make him feel bad, so I have to be cognizant about that, that I’m not—when I’m saying, “Aw, I miss you. Aw, I wish you were home.” You’re not doing it in a way that’s making that person feel bad about who they are if the reason why they’re gone is to follow their dharma, and follow their dreams, and live their purpose here.
It’s, you know, sometimes in relationships we have to put our emotions aside. And I know that sounds so weird, because we’re emotionful beings, but I’ve realized that in relationships there’s so many different seasons, and some seasons you’re gonna be all about building the relationship and doing fun things, and some seasons it’s gonna be more focused on the work, or maybe there’s something, a family dynamic going on, or there’s a move, or the children, something’s going on with them, and it becomes about something besides just the partnership. So that’s why it’s important to have a strong enough foundation in your partnership that when something comes up, and it’s not just about you and working on each other, something else takes center stage, you still have that strong foundation that you know you’re gonna be okay.
And that’s something that I’m really happy about cause I have been in, you know, different—written different books where it’s all about my book, like from the time I wake up ,to the time I sleep. Especially with “Idiot’s Guide to Ayurveda,” 14 hours a day I’m writing that book. “I’m not going to dinner with you, I’m not really gonna have a conversation with you, like I’m writing that book.” And he gave me that time, and right now for him he’s managing all these clients, and traveling around the world, and doing these things. So I have to, you know, be okay with that, be okay with being home, and having a fiancé, and future husband that is traveling a lot.
And I think a lot of people listening have that too, but that gives me the opportunity to fill up my time with things that fill me up, to take time for myself, to have awesome girlfriends. I feel like at the beginning of my relationships—especially the first two years—I kind of like forgot about female friends, and it was just like my work, and I had my dude. But now I have so many female friends, I go to ecstatic dance, and twerk classes, and all of these things. And so I’m grateful for the opportunity to have that freedom where he’s traveling and I’m able to just live my own life and we’re both very independent beings.
So I do think that sometimes you have to just think of what is the best for the two individuals as whole conscious beings. Because sometimes what’s the best for both of your individual growths is gonna be to spend a little bit less time with each other for the sake of evolving into your highest selves. And you will never be able to be in a fully embodied relationship when you’re holding each other back from that. So if I were to hold back my fiancé, “You can’t travel, you’re leaving me alone all the time, I’m so lonely here, like I need you here.” Maybe he’d do it, but then I’m holding him back from his dharma. And if he was saying, “Ugh, you’re just writing all the time, you’re podcasting, I can’t even talk to you, you’re always on the computer. I can’t deal with this.” He’s holding me back from my dharma, too. So it is important as much as you love that person and want to be with that person to let them be that person because when two whole beings come together, that one plus one becomes so much more than two.
So I would love to know what is your dosha in your relationship. Please leave me a review in the iTunes store. Let me know if you like episodes like this, you want to know more about the doshas in love, let me know as well. I love talking about this stuff, it’s fun for me, so let me know if it’s fun for me too. And if you loved this episode, I would love to share with you the first half of my unreleased book, “Eat Right For Your Mind Body Type,” which is different from my book, “Eat Feel Fresh.” It is my unreleased, never to be released book, because it is now part of my “Eat Right For Your Mind Body Type” program. I would love to send it to you absolutely free. All you gotta do is leave me a review in the iTunes store, take a screenshot, and email it over to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Again, take a screenshot of the review and email it to me email@example.com and I will send you the first half of my unreleased book, “Eat Right For Your Mind Body Type.” Namaste.